


i wouldn't know what to say (if i had you)

by uzumagay



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - No Murders, M/M, Rose (Eyewitness) - Mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:37:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9231152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uzumagay/pseuds/uzumagay
Summary: There was a moment, when they were younger, that Lukas imagined kissing Philip for the first time.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!  
> there isn't much to say about this other than lukas and philip have been friends since they were little then lukas realized his gay feelings

 

They were thirteen and high on the adrenaline of doing something  _ for real  _ bad for the first time - and the excitement of the thought of trying their first beer. It sat between them, unopened, on Lukas’ bedroom floor. They both stared, glancing from the can back to each other, quiet.

“Are we gonna drink it?” Philip had asked after a few silent moments, and Lukas bit on his bottom lip, unsure of that himself. It had been exciting to think about, it had been exciting to steal it, but opening meant  _ no going back. _ Opening meant they could get in real trouble.

“Do you want to?” Lukas tried, his heart beating faster as he looked back up at Philip, and he looked like he was biting the inside of his mouth, which made Lukas stare for a second.

“I will if you will,” he said, his chest puffing out like he was trying to look manly, which was something that was impossible for the two of them to do. They were scrawny and had voices that broke at inconvenient times, but thankfully for Philip, his voice had stayed steady, and Lukas was a little stunned at the sureness in his voice.

Lukas stared for a moment, but he finally nodded. “You go first then.”

Philip looked affronted, but he took the can and opened it, making both of them cringe at the loud sound cutting through the silence. Lukas felt like he was going to pass out in the moment after when they had waited and listened, but nothing came of it. Philip took a deep breath and brought the can to his mouth, and tilted his head as he drank. Lukas watched his throat move in a bit of fascination, counting  _ one, two, three  _ sips until Philip put the can back down.

His mouth was wet, and Lukas stared at it, a little bit in awe at the way Philip did it like he wasn’t nervous. Lukas never really wanted to try the beer, because he figured the taste would be bad from the smell, but he wanted to taste it off of Philip’s mouth. His heart beat faster with the thought, but he was distracted when Philip shoved the can against his chest, coughing into his own elbow.

-

It’s eerily similar now, from what Lukas can remember - again, they’re on the floor of his bedroom, beer in front of them. It was a six pack instead of just one, and they both have one open. There’s no adrenaline. There’s a peaceful silence between them.

Lukas stares at the rim of his own can and the liquid that has built up around it. He tilts the can, making it move back and forth as he rests his head on the wall behind him.

He can hear Philip taking occasional sips, and he imagines the way his lips curve around it, like they always do, like he’s seen thousands of times around soda and beer cans alike. Lukas doesn’t look.

“Rose’s friend Emily asked me out today,” Philip says suddenly, but it doesn’t startle Lukas. His voice is soft. Lukas looks up. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Philip sighs, and Lukas watches him as he takes a sip this time. It makes his stomach turn with a feeling he doesn't want to think about, like it has every time since that first time, but he doesn’t look away. “I told her I’d think about it.”

Philip looks over at Lukas as he says it, and Lukas looks him in the eye. The air is heavy, and Lukas knows why, but he doesn’t want to admit that he does. If he admits it, he has to face it, and he can’t face the reality of what Philip’s affectionate touches and indulgent smiles mean, not when his own lingering looks mean the same thing, and not with the way his father is. The way this town is. Not with the way he needs to be for his sponsors. 

There’s another silence, but this one isn’t as calm. It feels like the moment before a fist fight, where there’s a pause and you can feel it coming and your whole body tenses in preparation. 

“Lukas,” Philip says softly, and it sounds like he’s asking for something. Lukas knows what he’s asking, but he pretends that he doesn’t. 

Lukas bites on the inside of his mouth, not answering him. His eyes travel down, down to his can again, watching the build up of liquid move back and forth as he tilts the can again, almost pretending that words hadn't been spoken.

Philip moves closer. He moves until their backs are against the same wall, knees touching, Philip’s head turned toward him and Lukas still looking away. 

There have been a lot of moments like this. Heavy with implications that Philip seems to be open with exploring and that Lukas wishes were never implied. 

“Should I tell her yes?” Philip whispers, and Lukas can feel the eyes on his face, and it makes him get warm. He knows what this means, and he knows what Philip is searching for. 

Philip wants him to say no. Philip wants Lukas to admit that there’s a feeling here that goes past friends, into a territory that Lukas never wants to be in. He doesn’t think like that about Philip. He doesn’t let himself. 

When Lukas kisses Rose, he doesn’t think about anything. But at least it’s not Philip.

The quiet is heavy and Lukas almost feels like he’s choking on the pressure of those five words, because it means so much more. Saying yes meant Philip would do it, Philip would say yes to the girl and they would kiss and Lukas would see it. Lukas would see Philip’s arm around her, and Philip would probably talk about her sometimes. Rose would insist on double dating, where he’d see Philip in real boyfriend mode, hand holding and sharing his jacket.

The thought is frustrating, because he doesn’t want to see that, but he knows he does that to Philip. He does it on purpose - he kisses Rose when he knows Philip is looking, gives rides to Rose when he could give one to Philip. He wonders for a moment if it’s like how he feels right now.

Lukas looks over at him, glances at the beer, then back up. Philip is waiting with wide, patient eyes with no trace of the frustration Lukas feels on his face.

“Yeah, you should,” Lukas says softly, and he wants to look away, but he doesn’t. He watches the way Philip’s face crumbles for a moment, but regains composure. There’s another silent moment, before Lukas opens his mouth again. “She - She just dyed her hair blonde, did you see? Looks really nice.”

Philip doesn’t look up, but he hums. “Yeah, I’m a fan of blondes,” he says quietly, and it makes Lukas’ face heat up, a hand coming up to comb his fingers through his own hair as he forces out a laugh.

“Then I guess she’s perfect.”

There’s a pause, where Philip glances up at Lukas again, and Lukas feels cornered in that one second.

“I guess she is.”

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me pls and leave prompts @ ianapologist.tumblr.com


End file.
